Random Thoughts...

I have had quite the week, and I just thought I'd share some of the things that have been on my mind.

I can't believe Kindergarten is almost over...this week is end-of-year testing, Super Boy already did his. Then Monday is Memorial Day. After that there are only 7 days of school left! Super Boy keeps asking me how many days until he's in 1st grade, so I guess we'll have to make a countdown calendar or chain soon.

Super Girl is so amazing...she is getting so big! She understands so much, but still doesn't speak much. She still has a Binky (my fault, I think I'm more attached to it than she is!) and that might be part of the problem. But she gets so frustrated and it makes it hard on all of us. She throws tantrums when she doesn't get what she wants or needs and we can't tolerate it or allow her to think she can do that all the time and get her way. So this week the School District is sending out a team to evaluate her speech needs.

I am feeling very under-appreciated and overwhelmed as a wife and mother. I don't have the energy or desire to play with my kids like I used to. I still make time for them, and I especially love my one-on-one time and snuggles, but I love it when they play on their own and I have some time to myself...is that so awful?

Also, since when does wife and mother translate to maid and slave? I have been keeping the house in order for the most part. I have had the whole house clean except the dining room, and what does Tall Boy do? He never says anything nice about the clean house and then he throws everything on the table in the dining room into trash bags. That's his idea of helping. He never talks to me about anything. if we ever talk it's because I initiate the conversation, and most of the time he makes me feel like it's an inconvenience for him or an interruption of something much more important. He doesn't care about Super Boy's education and makes me feel stupid for caring about anything.

Tall Boy just doesn't seem to care about anything anymore, could he be struggling with depression too? I know it's not just me who has noticed, our closest friends even see it. Most days I feel like a single mother. He has been doing better with the kids, playing with them when he comes home and tolerating them more. But he has his moments where he just loses it and starts yelling and spanking. I have already talked to our religious leader about my situation, and he talked to Tall Boy, and that's when things improved with the kids, but nothing has changed for me. What else can I do?

Is this his way of punishing me for "making him get a job"? Why can't he see that his moods affect the whole house? How much am I supposed to tolerate before I give up? I have to do what's best for our kids and myself, but when someone is so unwilling to change, when is it time to say goodbye? I am so frustrated, but I am afraid to bring stuff up. After I do, I can't take it back. What if it makes things worse? We have been married for 8 years and I don't know that I'm ready to call it quits, but I don't know how much more I can tolerate. Anyone have some advice? Anyone going through this too? I am open to ALL suggestions.

Thanks for listening...